The Mind Wanderings of a Depressed Soul

Inspirational Movies?

2011-09-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

Today I watched a movie. Nothing special about the act, I watch movies all the time. No, it's my choice of movies that is annoying me. I end up watching Independent films. Dramas mostly. And I do this to find a movie with meaning, with inspiration, with hope. Somehow, though, I end up with the movies where the one of the main characters dies. I cannot handle death. The thought of it scares me. Those movies make me cry, and I do not cry just because of death, but the effect of the character's life, and the impact of their loss upon other characters. This current movie had inspirational messages about listening to oneself, following one's dream, learning how to love, and what love means. It did inspire me, at least until the main character died, and then I practically lost every message. They meant nothing compared to the pain gathering in my heart, the soreness creeping up my throat, the tears sliding down my cheeks. Inspiration is second to suffering. I am there with all that is happening. The characters move on, they sob, they mourn, they get on with life, they smile, they laugh... they pass through the sorrow, all within a span of 10-15 minutes! I'm still feeling it! I do not have their coping skills. I don't have their friends or their support. All I have is the pain, and nothing from before it seems to have any meaning. One might say I take movies too seriously. Maybe that's an understatement. I am affected. I am with the characters. I feel their feelings. I envy their happiness and mirror their sorrow.

I did, however, manage to maintain the inspiration to go for my dreams now, and stop waiting for approval from others. It may never come. They may never say I'm okay. They may never like my journals. I love them. Isn't that enough? It has never been enough. There are people who say that just because you like it doesn't mean it should be shared with the world. Doesn't mean it is worth anything. I heard a story about a boy who was tone deaf. They say he stopped singing because he realized "he couldn't sing". What if he loved singing? What if he only believed he couldn't sing because other people did not encourage his eccentric tones? I shall not know the answer to this question, but I think it is sad. Maybe it wasn't perfect. Maybe it made some people's ear crinkle and scream. Maybe, who knows? I am sure that the Source that made him loves his song. I know a bird who sounds like a little bomb. That little bird sings every morning just before dawn. He probably doesn't inspire beautiful music. But, I like him because he's different. His odd sounds stand out among the rest. To me, that bird is special. Of course, when I hear someone or something out of tune, I also say "Why can't they sing right?" I've already been conditioned to human songs. To human voices. And it is a loss to me. A woman that I know also sings out of tune, and I'm sure she knows it, but she doesn't care. She goes ahead anyway, no matter who gives her strange looks. She has much more life to her than I do. She does not care so much about what other people think. I want to have that assertiveness. I want to be okay with me, even though I'm different. I want to follow my dreams. I want to be an author!

Will the inspiration be enough to initiate self-publishing my journals? I don't know. I can hope.

Depression Stops The Movement

2011-09-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

Depression is what has stopped my writing. It has taken me down, beaten me into submission. If every time you went to write a post and someone said, "Don't bother. No one will read it. Or if they do, they won't like it. They won't say anything. Of course, this means your writing sucks. Otherwise people would care. So, don't even bother. Give up. Erase everything you have written and go on with your pathetic life, you loser," would you feel like writing? I cannot seem to stop listening. I hear that voice and I start hearing the voices of others who betrayed me, who made me wrong and not good enough and just a complaining whining baby of a human. I begin to cry, my chest tightens, and I wonder why I am alive. Writing loses it's vitality and worth when I become nothing. It usually happens when I want to write about my depression, or my thoughts about life, God, religion...

Just today I read an inspiring post that said "Stop complaining and get on with your life." By inspiring, I mean it inspired me to have violent thoughts of attacking the people that think writing such words will retrieve anyone from the darkness. But, apparently, it works for some. The post received four likes on facebook. Four people with depression thought, "Hey, I really should be more positive." Yeah, first step to another downward spiral is to expect our depressed minds to function like a healthy person's mind.

Yet, that is what the healthy people convince themselves. All she needs is to get a job, get a car, get a life, stop worrying, stop being depressed, start socializing, and she'll be alright. Hahaha. Getting a job, what would that entail, oh, I don't know, fighting Avoidant Personality Disorder, social anxiety, depression, generalized anxiety, and specific phobias, OCD... sounds easy. Not. It means, "Cassie, all you have to do to be happy is to stop being yourself." Great plan. Afterall, I AM worthless, useless and pathetic. I'm no good for anything. I really should be someone else. Then I'd fit right in. Lovely robot of a human being. Rewire me, and I hope you are happy with the results of your programming.

Otherwise, why couldn't a support group actually support the growing of a rich and deep human being? Why couldn't family and friends help find a niche for this idiosyncratic soul? One book I read described a role that a person as sensitive as I used to play in times gone by. That was the role of advisor. The one who stood removed from the battles and watched, contemplated, made connections, and could advise from this position wiser ways of living.

I do not function under pressure or performance. I am often slow to move. I found enjoyment in sweeping or setting tables. They were sacred acts. Then people entered, and humans destroyed the temple in which I worked. They cluttered the corners with rules, and the ceiling with expectations, they muddied the floor with hurry, and they smashed the tables of peace. No one has lead me to another sacred space. They are all ruined. I am waiting for a place to call home. I am waiting for my vocation. And my life.

Negative Spirals

2010-08-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

Being negative toward the negative creates a spiral of negativity. I have read one too many times that negative thoughts create a negative reality. In truth, negative thoughts only create a perception- they have no other power. This perception then influences actions which have an effect upon the world around us. Depending on the circumstances, anything can happen.

What is it with all of these unproved statements saying: "If you don't believe in yourself, no one else will?" Does no one understand how unhelpful and uninspiring that message is? Those that do believe in themselves will agree with this, but those who do not.. they will begin a cycle into despair. I have tried it. I do not believe in myself, and if I listened to that statement, I would think that no one else will either, meaning, I really am not worth anything. But, thankfully, I have met people who DID in fact believe in me, even when I did not believe in myself. If it were not for them, I may never have experienced self-esteem at all. My thoughts, about myself, about the world, about my neighbors, have no bearing, no solidity, unless reinforced in action and in reaction.

Think about it... would the law of gravity exist if the apple didn't always fall back to the ground? If sometimes it floated under the same conditions in which it had fallen? No... and how then can this negativity for negativity? It is not always true. It is only true under certain conditions, making one have to change the hypothesis to: "If you do not believe in yourself, and you voice this outloud, and the people around you are not encouraging or supportive, no one, admidst that group of people, will believe in you." Not so very destructive then. One can just look for support elsewhere.

The truth is.... no one can make you believe in yourself. That we really do have to do for ourselves.

Here's another: "If you think you are going to fail... you will." Okay, who is that going to help? It certainly wouldn't help me. Actually, since I've just been told I'm going to fail if I believe I am, I'm going to believe even more fervently that I will fail. And around the spiral spins. If only these statements were not linked to the negative. How about: "If you believe you are going to fail... don't worry about it. Everything will be alright." And even if you do fail, what's so bad about that? If we were okay with the negative, instead of reinforcing a negative idea, we would calm the troubled mind, ensuring a relaxed and focused response.

Somehow it ended up backward and inspiration became only a place for well, happy, adjusted people, and not the ones who need it most. The ones who do not believe in themselves, see things negatively... they are called whiners, complainers, babies... such wonderful terms... along with childish, immature, and irrational. They are beat down at every turn, told to be happy or else. Told to hate hate and be angry about being angry. (Very silly, if you ask me.) They are apparently punished by God, people, the Universe, karma... this is cruelty. How did we become bitter? The cure is not in attacking bitterness- that creates yet still more bitterness- but in reaching down into the broken root and healing it. Do we expect the man with the broken foot to stand, unanchored, and walk, unsupported? Yet, we expect this of the emotionally wounded. Weird.

When did it become fashionable to stab the man with the broken foot in the toe? More wounds, more cycles, more negativity.

That's why I love this sentence:

"I'm not okay, you're not okay- but that's okay." (I'm not sure where I read this.)

Unfinished Grievance

2010-04-23T19:11:00.001-07:00

And here comes the darkness again!

Did it leave? Why yes!

It left with a "I'm okay

with being depressed!"

Really, what the hell?

Yep, and it was swell.

But days of waiting

not speaking my heart

have another depressing

engine beginning to start.

I head for my God

and find He's not there!

His presence has vanished

not even anger spared!

Nothing, the empty Shadow

I prayed to anyway-

Save me from this barren land

give me to my Mother today.

Okay!

I watched a movie and felt

connected to the Source

again, but fractional

a meager force.

Fighting to keep it,

I entered my dreams,

touched nothing but

a host of broken seams.

Wandered into religion,

found those who think like me

running bravely from Christianity,

leaving for brighter shores

while watching, I

hold fast to a sinking ship

and cry, I cry.

For I do not belong

with these people here,

I am afraid they do not even

know how to steer.

Jagged rocks show foaming

as we hit one after another,

teaching hate and screaming

"Love your sister and your brother!"

I am not good enough.

And only if, and still not.

all the requirements to be loved

are sanctimonious rot.

So, weeping for a lost Christ,

a wrecked ship,

and a wave soon approaching,

I toss my last chip

in to the frothing ocean

Here, Mother, come Mother,

come up from the depths

and devour your daughter.

My Father has left me,

will You deny passage, too?

I went begging for scraps

as poor women do.

"Woman Warrior, Woman Monk,

who are you?" I do not know.

I spend my days searching

for a Way to go.

"Enter in drawing

enter in singing,

enter in writing and hoping

caring and dreaming.

Enter in living

the creating

and celebrating

the grateful heart of

a Mother's love

open, inviting."

I've tried, the groans persist

I'd die a thousand deaths in thirst

if I hadn't died a hundred million

in terrible hunger first!

Don't tell me I don't try

hard enough to satisfy

the longing of my soul.

Life is Strange

2010-03-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

Life is strange. When my cat was sick, I was sad and worried about her, but I did not really get lost in myself or my depression. And now that she is better, my mind has rewired itself, easily, to its favorite pattern. I do not know how to live without being depressed, unless there is something to do that will entertain my brain enough to forget me. Does this lead me in the direction of caring more about others than myself? I thought about that, how it would feel, whether I love anyone enough to live my life for them, and erase this self who is of no use to any person, animal, or object. While I am depressed, I see the question as an enemy. I do not want to lose who I am. Yet, who am I when I am lost, without an anchor, without hope, without purpose, meaning, or happiness? I am the bitter foe of everyone. Especially the inhabitor of my body. What shall I do today? Nothing. Nothing feels "right". Nothing is fun. It is all work. Thinking is work, feeling is work, playing is work, going places is work, writing is work, reading is work.... goodbye energy. Let me just sleep and dream and stay there until the world becomes what I need to survive. What is that? I am not sure.

Yesterday, a part of me wanted to go to church. To listen, to sing. But, that would entail work. Loss of sleep. Seeing people. I considered writing my own sermon. Guess what I eventually considered that? Yep, work. This state of mind is killing me. I am insane and not getting any saner. Cut me out of my shell, break me open. I will play in the world as though it is me, but the real me is protesting, wanting to hide. There is no safety. There is no place free of expectations and demands. I remain a slave. A slave to psuedolove. A slave to fear.

Promises?

2010-01-15T16:48:00.000-08:00

The second week of the God Sightings journal did not speak to me as the new beginnings had. It only said, "Promises kept". What promises? Did God make me promises? I am not too sure about that. Biblically, God made covenants with men, but those men were not I. As I have written in another post, God has been inconsistent when it comes to being trustworthy. Of course, I am talking about trusting Him with security- physical, mental, monetary, material. There is no security with God. One is not promised a healthy, happy life, nor to be protected from pain. However, what of the promise "Ask and it is given."? If I ask for healing and it is not given, has God broken the covenant He made? "Ask and it will be considered." would be a more appropriate promise. It wouldn't leave me hopeless and feeling betrayed when things don't seem to work out. Here it what I feel God has promised me, if He has made them, not in a verbal way, but each of these has proven true throughout the years:

1. I will always be with you.
2. I will grant you passage into the unknown.
3. I will teach, speak, and dance in all things.
4. I will be found in Silence.
5. I will give you questions and answers.

God will remain an enigma. Who, or What is God? And why would God need to make promises? We look for promises because we are looking for assurances. Will God always be with me? Well, He says so, it has to be true! But, what happens when it seems God has abandoned us, left us to our misery, turned His face from us in anger? Can we trust His promise then? No. Trusting a promise is a matter of faith, and I only list the promises I have because they are always true for me, because of who God is to me. My perception of God makes what I say, for me, true. If God were an apple and he promised to be an orange, we couldn't trust that. There is evidence against apples becoming oranges. But, if God were an apple seed and promised to become an apple, that we could rely on.

I once considered that the only faith that wouldn't wither or be riddled with doubt was faith in the unknown. We can have no security blanket. But, I want it, I want it so much that I search for it with desperate longing. I want to trust God. Is this supposed to be achieved by studying the Bible and the promises kept? I don't think about promises when I think about trust. I think about truth and lies. Is God Love? Not Biblically. One can't trust that God will be gentle, understanding, or compassionate. You can't give trust to someone who will turn on you the moment you are having a bad day. Sure, God kept THAT promise, but what did it matter when all of those people were slaughtered beforehand? Is God a fair-weathered friend? "I keep all of my promises." That's nice, but can I trust you? "Of course, I keep all of my promises, didn't I just tell you that you moron? I promise to kill you. I promise to bring harm upon you. I promise to destroy everything in my path..." Um, woops. I'd really rather those promises were not kept, wouldn't you? And how about a favorite promise "I promise to love you if..."

Anyway, I have seen God in this God Sighting week, but not in promises, not exactly. I have seen Him where He always is, in trees and cats and people and books and beauty and love and laughter and smiles and snow and sparkles and lights and clouds. I see Him when I reach out in thought and call God my Beloved or my Lover, for God is my only confidant. I love His utter magnificence and glory. God doesn't need to make me promises. All I want is to be able to touch His hand and stroke Her face and feel Their breath upon my flesh. And God still works bigheartedness into my life. I have seen God in a painful dificulty that has plagued me for a week. This pain gave me a poem. It opened me further. I am at once grateful and annoyed with it. :)

New Beginnings

2010-01-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

I just started a weekly God Sightings study. The theme for this week is basically, New Beginnings. It fits snugly into the New Year. When I turned to the headline, it said "The start of something big..." And I was invisibly smacked on the top of the head! Big! A word I have been running into lately. Bigheartedness. That is what wants to start-or at least continue in process, as does everything which appears to be starting. A new day is really connected to all other days, a new moment to all other moments, a new year to all other years.
I had to write it down, bigheartedness. Why did it keep pestering me? I certainly didn't mind the word, but at times I minded the implication the bigheartedness is paramount- more important, better than, smallheartedness. Another place to climb the ladder toward perfection. I balk at that ladder. I do not want to climb up anything. Too much work, and I'd probably start wheezing. :) Bigheartedness reminds me of the Grinch. His heart was three times too small. He did not work to become bighearted, it happened as a natural result of expanding his awareness. Even that he did not choose. There was no striving. He opened, like a flower, in his own time. I lean toward that beginning, the new beginning which started upon our birth, the growth of ourselves. Each moment our awareness grows, we see anew, with fresh insights. I ask God for an expanding heart. A heart with opening arms, welcoming more and more. An inviting heart. A heart accepting of new moments and unexpected results. A heart waiting, longing for mystery.
In the study, there are daily Bible readings, and I thought about doing those, but you know me and the Bible. It feels like a part of me is being ripped apart if I read too much. Maybe something is trying to open, and I am holding the door closed. I don't want to open to the Bible. I don't want to let it in. When I do, the pain often becomes unbearable. Yet, during my study of the Bible over the years, I have gained wisdom, I have gained strength, and trust in God. I have tried different ways of reading the Bible- Ignation Contemplation, praying the psalms, rewriting the text to relate to me- each of these has grown me in some way. Perhaps this new year is also a new beginning for my relationship with the Bible, which technically began last year. I halted when the depression became too much. I am terrified to enter that realm again. How much internal torment can I withstand? I do know where it leads. It leads to the Void, to the emptying of self. However, when I read, it feels like someone else is tearing me from myself, while I wish to empty willingly, not forcefully. Gracefully. If the door to the Void opens full swing, I shall be sucked in and be destroyed. For those of you who don't understand the pain, it is the depths of not being good enough. It is the screams of thousands of people who weren't worth anything to God. It is my own hatred of that monster welling up inside my heart. I break because I can't fathom that evil pouring through me. Telling me it is good. One must empty completely to admit the oxymoronic and paradoxical qualities of God. Many do not. I see surface dwellers. They stop at the edge and watch me drowning in nothingness. They are blind to the Ocean of Suffering.
A new beginning may also retrieve me from this darkness. May set me free. Or, as in the recent rediscovery of the meaning of my name, I can newly appreciate the Dark, which is my natural habitat. I was named to see into the dark. To witness the experience of the Void. I can open to it, knowing it is my destiny, for it is in my name.

A Unfinished Post on OCD

2009-11-15T12:45:00.000-08:00

I thought eventually I could leave "thoughts have power" behind, but my OCD won't let go of it. Of course not, without it, many of my obsessions would flounder and die out. They'd have no hold, for the grasp of OCD is to tell one that they HAVE to play along or something bad will happen. I went searching online for something to read about OCD which would calm the storm within, but, no there just doesn't seem to be enough research. They list the raw facts, but I need more, I need compassion. I read "It's not your fault." That was one of the best sentences I found. Those without the disorder are always claiming that my thoughts are my fault and that somehow I SHOULD have control over them.

To Be Humble

2009-10-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking and studying about denial of self and humility. It has been said that the fully mature person thinks about others before themselves. They think of themselves below others. Perhaps that is full maturity, because when we are fully mature, we are completed, done, finished, ended, whole. There is no more need for self. But, we are not fully mature, and I think that is not our aim. Our aim is to be always maturing, growing, learning, never done, always immature. The goal is in the reaching, in the journey to maturity, not in maturity itself. I think that humility is knowledge of our humanity, acceptance of who we are, our weaknesses, frailties, our sins. It is not in denial of self but in being human. A verse that is used to proclaim that we give up ourselves is Phillipians 2:6-7. "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing." (NIV) Jesus became nothing in comparison to the fullness of Godhood. What did He become? A human being. How could He make Himself nothing? He knew exactly who He was but did not grasp at it, He did not lord it over others. How do we become nothing? By knowing who we are-whether this be a beloved child of God or an expression of God, and letting it go to be fully human, because that is who we are being right now. The Great Commands said "Love God with your whole heart, whole mind, whole strength, and whole soul." Love God as ourselves, not in denial of ourselves. And guess what? The second command is to love our neighbors AS ourselves. Not above ourselves, not beneath ourselves, AS ourselves. I think that is an important distinction. When we are ourselves, when we love God as ourselves, we can love others as ourselves. That means seeing them as humans. Compassion, compassion, compassion, is what comes to mind when I think of loving others as ourselves, and even, loving ourselves as others. We are not separate. To be humble is to be human together. To be in humiliation is to be debased, denied, and rejected. I did not know until recently that there could actually be joy in God's commands, but they are really just the ways of love. All that is needed for humility is the fulfilled Law, and perhaps "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." (1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV, paraphrased.) To be humble is to live in love. I will serve others with my all when I am my all. All of myself goes into God's work. He uses weaknesses as well as strengths. When we have become aware of love, and are living along love's way, when are our wants harmful to others? When are our wants a hazard to human relationships? If we are loving, our wants, our desires, our lives are aligned with beneficiality to others. When we are not loving, when we are "selfish", we are neither loving ourselves nor others. So, I say, don't give yourself away, embrace your entirety, and in doing so, you embrace everyone else.

Disciple "Making" and Commitments

2009-10-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Recently I went to a meeting based upon disciple making. I was intrigued by the concept and went out of curiousity. I knew I did not want to be a disciple maker, I want to be a disciple. Perhaps in the art of disciple making, they might show the art of being a disciple in this day and age. Assigments were given, to pray everyday, to read the Bible everyday, to write in a journal and to read a book about evangelism. One of my major difficulties is the inability to fare well with commitments. For, a commitment is an obligation, a forced plan that I can not waver from without being held accountable. It turns whatever I do into rotten fruit. I must do things through want and love, not out of commitment. A friend told me that this might be an opportunity from God to overcome my problems with commitment, but I highly doubt it.
The Bible reading began smoothly enough, but fell apart after a few days. I wondered what the point was in reading the Bible every single day. If I journaled every day, the entries would be near to worthless. I follow inspiration, emotion, and passion. If it is not there, then it is dull work. So, I do not journal every day, and the entries that come forth are normally full and whole and edible. While, the Bible, day after day, becomes more and more fruitless to my searching grasp. The sermon following this disaster on my part (I didn't stop reading the Bible, though.) included a few words on why someone would want to read the Bible. Many times in the psalms, it says the commands of the Lord are good to read, they bring joy and wisdom and insight. Really? How so? When I read the Bible, I find pain and judgment and fear and sadness and death and plagues and war and... where is the joy? Where is the insight? Where the wisdom? "Dear God, whose love endures forever... please kill all my enemies... praise to the Lord, who mercies never fail... please pour out your wrath and anger upon my foes." Um... joyful to me? No, enemies are people, too.
Buried beneath it all somewhere, somewhere, is the path to the Great Lover, the one who loved us all from the beginning, of whom we are His Sacred Temple and His living breath. I feel too weak to search through all the rubble of broken bodies and bloody sacrifices, looking for my Beloved. I find my Beloved in the presence of Love, in His words on earth today, people, clouds, snow, rain, animals, trees... these "scriptures" of God are full of joy and insight and love. If I were told to read God's words every day, to look into His eyes everyday and fall into His arms every night, to hold His hand and stroke His hair and spend time with Him every day... that would bring what they say the Bible brings. Yet, I heard that not wanting to read the Bible means you don't want wisdom or joy or insight.

To pray every day also ran into hazards. I know why it causes me distress, it is because of my OCD, and the doubts I have and the terrible fear I have that my thoughts will come true. To believe in prayer is to believe that my thoughts have some affect upon the world, and to believe that is my doom. The truest prayer that I can give without running into this is the prayer that means talking to God, just... talking. Holding my heart open to Him. Being with Him. Listening to Him. Isn't this all a form of prayer?
And thinking about this, maybe that is the true commitment, for it is one of the ideas behind discipleship-association with Jesus Christ. That must be what Bible reading, prayer, and fellowship with believers is all about- Communion. Living in Christ, for Christ, living in Love, with God. To me, it is all the same. Disciple making isn't coercion. It isn't forcing beliefs upon someone or making them do anything. It is modeling Jesus. It is holding out the fruits of our communication and connection with God. Offering love. Love is the essence of discipleship. Teach love, and you are teaching about God. For whoever lives in love lives in God. God is Love. Christ is love. It is all wrapped up, bound in perfect unity, in love.
It isn't about a commitment to the Bible, but about a commitment to God.
Along the same lines is the idea to abound more and more in love and in knowledge and understanding of love. To some, this means to spend more and more time with others and less and less time alone, but I think this is more of a personal choice. Does your love grow in community with others more than it grows alone? Or, like me, does your love grow more alone, to be shared in community with others? None of us can ever really be alone. For God is with each and every one of us, always. To grow in love is to spend more and more time with God. This can be accomplished with people, but also with cats! And with books, and with pencils, and with microwaves and washing machines and toilets. Yet, they might think this a crazy thing, but, I have been crazy for many years now. Find God in all things, and Love can also be found in all things. Again, the truth of the matter reveals itself, less and less alone doesn't mean less and less "solitude", but less and less of an idea that you are ever alone! :) God is everywhere. Love grows everywhere with an awareness of love. Invite God into your homes, and you will see He was there all along.
One last note on disciple making and all that the recent studies have brought to the surface.
Disciple making I have read, is about taking a new convert under wing, and helping them to mature in Christ. I want to add that it is not about pretending you know more than the person you wish to support. It is about guidance, not superiority. The new convert has something to teach as well. Everyone has gifts from God, and if people become to hooked on being the leader instead of a guide and friend and support system, they may lose sight of the gifts offered.

Deconversion and the Transformation of God

2009-08-01T12:45:00.001-07:00

I was just reading about deconversion from Christianity on a deconversion site, and it got me to thinking about my process of deconverting. Many deconverts said that they lost faith in God and heard no answer from God, so they were forced to leave Christianity. While, during my search and transition, I have not lost God- God just keeps changing. Perhaps because I have never been a complete deconvert or perhaps because my idea of God wasn't built out of concrete. I have lost my faith, it has staggered and fallen under the weight of God's incompetence. Yet, if I change the meaning of God, and change the meaning of faith and change the meaning of life, and what is "good" and what is "bad", then the structure of my religion can be rebuilt. Constantly rebuilt out of different materials. I'm not forced to say "Because this isn't true and that isn't true means there is no God." Rather, knowing that every estimation of God I have is just a perception and never a reality, I can change it with each experience I go through. If I lose faith in a personal God, I can move to an impersonal God.

When I was a child, I had one idea of God, and He was a scary man who watched over me. Jesus was a resurrected man whose words I could read, and through those words, I learned of love- a particular form of love. As I grew up, my fear of God shifted depending on how I perceived Him at the time. During severe bouts of OCD, I asked Him to strike me down if I was going to never be forgiven for blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I think I thought He just might. But, He didn't.
In my early twenties, I read Love, by Leo Buscaglia, and something in me changed. If God was Love and this was what Love was, wow! God was not to be feared. (I didn't give up on the Christian God because some ideas about Him were proven false- there are so many interpretations of biblical scriptures!) Then I met a lovely man who taught me that there was no hell- he taught me the history of words in the Bible, what Hades and Sheol meant, and how long these would last, and when God says He will save all men, He means it. This opened up a whole new world for me. I began to study the Hebrew meanings for English words, and the contex of those words. I was free of being bound to Monster God. He was only a shadow.

Without Hell, I began to see the truths in other religions. I studied Zen with a beloved friend, and found the world of non-judgment and non-duality. I saw things as they were. As I grew, my perception of God grew. I moved into Hinduism, and discovered a fascinating world of everything emanating from One Source. All of this led to a spiritual experience where I saw myself and a fly, and a tree, as all being God in form. And then Jesus became God and not just a man. As God, Jesus entered my life and I experienced Him as compassion. I did a Bible study which showed Jesus as being a funny man, a man of parties and humor, and this gave Him a new light in my eyes. I was safe with Him. That was how Jesus transformed as I did.

But, leading up to that experience, I had begun to feel out of place in church, it didn't feel right. I knew that they had only a perception of God, but it didn't help when they pretended their perception was fact. And after the experience, I felt as though I could accept their perception as their path and not mine. I was moved to tell people about my perceptions, because I didn't want to deceive others. As long as I went to their church and participated in their activities, I felt I was perpetuating a lie, yet I couldn't leave. There was still more to be learned. When I told a friend about my beliefs, she attacked me, saying Jesus would tell me he never knew me. I went through a period of pain and doubt, beginning to associate once again with their perception of God as an actual being. I was desperate to know that my path wasn't a misleading of the devil. I began to hate their God. Hate him as a monster and as something to detest and scorn. If I was going to hell, so be it. I didn't want to go to heaven and be with a cruel being such as he, nor join the literalist Christians. I fought against the doubts in my head about hell and I finally had a dream which confirmed my true beliefs. I said in that dream "I would rather die than believe in hell!" And I was free of hell, forever. Hell now is a game, a joke, I do not care if there is a hell. I will turn it into a paradise. And I know that hell is escapable, for I have been in the true hell-the perception that I am a damned, fallen, rotten being. That is hell.

I was a Christian, then a Christian Pantheist- because I still loved Christ and saw the truth in Christianity, especially liberal Christianity. But, then I met so many Christians denying my being a Christian, calling my beliefs delusions and nonsense, that I decided to drop the title. I had held it to show others that Christianity isn't what they proclaim it is. It is a religion of beauty and passion. It holds so much of the spirit- taken as a metaphor, not literal fact. If God demanded a blood sacrifice in order to forgive- no, not beauty, not truth, not love, not true forgiveness- actually, such an idea contradicts the Bible's message. "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." "Love keeps no record of wrongs." "God bound all men in disobedience so he could have mercy on them all." This is where the religion starts to fit with my beliefs- in that we couldn't experience Life without the opposites. Without something to disobey, we couldn't know mercy or forgiveness. They wouldn't be experiences. Then we can see the Garden of Eden as a game God played willingly with His children (or, expressions) He gave them a law, so that they might break it. The knowledge of Good and Evil, that was entrance into the world of opposites, the bursting forth into life- which God as the Infinite already knew, but which each Child needs to choose for themself- absolute bliss, with no experience of bliss, the Great Deep, the Void, or Expression. You must express to exist. Christianity has so much to offer the world, so much! But, many people see only the literalness and they leave it behind, or they take it in another form and go back to treating people like dirt.

Now, I am a Pantheist, and for me, God is still a person. I discarded the Christian version of God-but my perception of God just... changed. Although, sometimes I still see the Old God, the Cruel One, the Destroyer, and now I am tempted to retrace the Biblical metaphors, to experience this God for who He was perceived to be, and understand His place in this Cosmic Dance. All perceptions of God are expressions of some aspect of the Divine. As some religions show, the Divine Manifestation is both wonderful and terrible. Afterall, the Divine manifests as Good and Evil, Love and Hate, Birth and Death. This seems to be the story of the Biblical God. He directly points to God as Everything. If I can see Him as an expression of the Divine, perhaps His power as the Divine Itself will fall away, and He will not trouble me anymore, but I can live in harmony with the Shadow, in acceptance of Life Living. This is what I long for now.

Talking To A Psychologist

2009-06-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

I feel a deep pain in me. Recently, I've been seeing a psychologist. This was a step I decided to take because I want out of my misery. I want self esteem, and I felt that a psychologist could help me apply techniques for gaining self-esteem. I was mistaken, of course, because a psychologist cannot do something for me- she cannot make me apply techniques, and so the way I live stays the same. If I was not able to apply techniques before, I will not be able to afterward. Especially because I do not feel like a person in front of my psychologist. I feel strange, out of place... my introverted self shrieks and runs to hide. I do not want to share myself with a stranger. Why am I? I now feel compelled to out of guilt. How can I stop seeing her now? We haven't even gotten started. She doesn't know me, and I don't trust her. There's a block, and I doubt I'll move past it. She talked about taking baby steps to get forward and yet says that I will be better in 6 months. 6 months?!!! What?! I have been working on my mental difficulties for ten years, and she thinks that six months is going to undo whatever is holding me back from life? Does she think I didn't know what I was doing? I know many ways of finding peace when I am anxious. They don't always work, neither am I always able to apply them. If I were to be healed in 6 months, that would take giant steps, not baby steps. I think I would explode before I got there. Everything feels wrong. I am asked whether I want to do this or that-it is almost as though my psychologist is insecure.
I have a plan to take two months off from my current life, the psychologist, my work experience, phonecalls, rides, just about everything that bothers me. I need to relax. I need a break. That life feels out of whack. It is not what I want. When I tell people about this, some say that it will be a huge mistake, that I will lose all of my progress. Progress? What progress? I'm slipping into despair here, people! My strength is ebbing. My hope is failing. I just want to rest!
Yet, I did find at least one person to understand my need. I've been playing in the danger zone for my anxiety and stress and depression. I have to step back and re-evaluate where I am going and whether this pressure serves me in the long run. I don't like to think about long runs. :)
I am not sure this sabbatical (that's what I'm calling it) will be useful if I have to stay here with my family. There is not rest here, either. But, I have no place else to go, so I'll have to make the best of it.

The Law of Attraction- An In Depth Study

2009-05-21T00:25:00.000-07:00

The only thing I've been doing lately is studying the Law of Attraction. It keeps pestering me, haunting me, gnawing at me. I've written about it before, because the Law is related to the idea that thoughts have power, and having OCD already leaves me believing that thoughts have power, and the only way to be free of it is to destroy that belief. I know, the Law of Attraction is supposed to be an Absolute, undeniable law/fact... pretty hard to prove that claim wrong, but it is necessary for my well-being. Years ago I was attracted to New Age beliefs. I read books by Neale Donald Walsch and Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra, and they were all fascinating books, but eventually they only spoke to the negativity in me. There's only so many times I can read "thoughts have power" before it starts to bother me. Thankfully, this study I did, by reading the book The Law of Attraction by Jerry and Esther Hicks, I have discovered that thoughts having power doesn't mean I have power over anyone else's experience. I can't kill others with a thought. I can't cause war or destruction or violence in other's live with thought. I have power over my own experience, and that has always been true, I can choose my perceptions, I can choose how to act, I can choose what to look at and what it means to me. I still cannot go so far as to say that I have brought all of my experiences to myself through the power of thought. It doesn't explain how some children are born into the world facing terrible difficulties- we can't blame their parents thoughts. We can't blame the children's thoughts. It also cannot be explained how the Law works in the case of natural disasters. Okay, why did all those people gather there? Wait, they were already living there. Did the whole community think negative thoughts?
Blaming our thoughts for the reason why negative things happen just leaves me believing that the universe punishes people. We get poverty for povery and sadness for sadness. You know, with a universe like this, humans start to look more appealing. Sometimes you can offer the world sadness and someone will come along and cheer you up. Sometimes you can be poor and think poor thoughts and never think anyone will ever help you and a kind person will give you money and a helping hand.
With the Law, the universe isn't even loving. It's just doing what it is doing. If you saw someone drowning, would you leave them there because they chose that for themself? The Law would. The Law would let the sinking sink and the rising rise, and all the broken hearted people would be doomed to forever be miserable and the happy people would be blessed with eternal bliss. I am reminded of heaven and hell. I do not believe in hell, I cannot believe in the Law, for it speaks like hell. "You chose it." "But, I didn't know what I was doing!" "Too bad, this is what you thought about, this is what you are getting."
Yet, it is hard to escape the truths of the Law of Attraction. Our ability to see the world through rose colored glasses when we are happy, and through a glass darkly when we are sad. With our perceptions altered, the world seems different, but it doesn't make it different.
I choose a universe that continuously works toward harmony and love, giving gifts regardless of attraction. We may not see them when we are down, but that doesn't mean they are not there. I see a universe where Destiny, not Attraction, is the Order to the universe. Because I must have a reason for why bad things happen, and not a bad reason. I want us to have all come to Earth to learn and grow, to experience all sides of life, all aspects of humanity, all the faces of God. I want us to be playing a game, which may look terrible and sad through human eyes at times, and rightly so, but through God's eyes be a glorious dancing of characters who do not die, just change roles, and when they feel pain, the deepness of love is reached. When do we feel the most compassion? When we see another being hurt. When do we feel forgiveness? When we have been hurt. These feelings are great and beautiful expressions of Love. I feel the Law would deny them, for it proclaims ignorance to the suffering around us, so that we do not invite it into our lives. It tells us we must be doing something wrong if we are feeling pain. While Destiny says that if we are feeling pain, it is an act in which we can grow, it is there for our Wholeness in the Grand Scheme of things.
I am very disturbed that the Law of Attraction says that the victims of rape have chosen that for themselves-IN THIS LIFE- by THINKING about it, by being afraid of it. Does not that make the universe cruel? Would you offer someone you loved deeply the thing they were most terribly afraid of? Not even for learning, but just because they were afraid? I couldn't imagine it unless I was being cruel and mean and uncaring. But, they didn't say the universe cared. At least with Destiny, if something as horrible as rape were chosen, it would be from the Higher Self, and chosen intelligently, not by mistake.
So, to prove the Law wrong, I am considering its truths and flaws. I have found it lacking in Love, and too close to a world that Monster God might create. I am treating it like a relative of eternal hell. Something that can be used to scare people into being good. Or, were I being positive, something created to make sense of the world, a gift to those who can use it without losing themselves, or their love for others.
For I do not believe man's greatest aim is joy for himself. I believe man's greatest aim is love. Love for himself and others.

Freedom in Enchantment

2009-03-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been feeling quite odd. Thursday was probably the strangest and yet most beautiful day I've had in a while. I spent most of the day wandering around town wondering where I would end up. Not pressuring myself to be anywhere seemed to open a space for magic and peace. Things worked out, to my amazement, in my benefit. I went to class again, even though last week I told the teacher I was dropping out. She didn't mind if I wanted to hang out in class and learn from that experience. It led to a pretty funny exchange when the teacher didn't give me the test, and one of the other students was like "Hey, I don't want one either!" :) Well, they are not aiming for an F, are they? Nah. But, it turns out that I can't drop out anyway, not if I want to keep my financial aid. I didn't think it was still possible, but it appears it might be. Although, I will not be doing the school work, just appearing for class. I felt moved at the level of learning that was taking place when going to class wasn't something I had to do, but something I wanted to do. I'm afraid that will never be the case with homework or tests or studying. They are not for me. When peace is discovered in the absence of these things-that's a clear message! Freedom at last! Until I start worrying about that F, of course! :) I've never failed a class before. Oh, well, there's always a first time for everything. I'm not sure what damage this F will cause to my chances of getting into college again- but owing the college money is a far more immediate threat to my well-being. So, a choice between two failures-never a good place to put me! It's growing me, though.
While I was playing this game of wandering, I stepped for a few minutes into an enchanted land. I don't know why, but when I see the world as magical, it is the only time I feel at home. I feel lifted, and for a moment, I get to belong. Otherwise, I have to invent worlds to play in or play in other people's worlds. And, during my class, I was actually having fun being there-because I wasn't "supposed" to be there. I guess that is the only time when my actions feel right, when they are free of rules, boundaries, plans. They are released to be whatever they will be. No preconceptions. The events and experiences become as free as me. Perhaps this is why I reject making plans and setting goals. It takes away the beauty, it negates the enchantment. My VocRehab counselor may never understand this. Last week she asked me what my goals were. Obviously, I really don't have any. There are little seeds of ideas that grow and germinate and finally they bloom at their own time in their own space. This is the only time that action on my part flows rather than jerks about. I don't want to be a puppet. Not even a puppet on my own strings-for those will not lead me where I am going, only to where I 'think' I am going. What do I know about where I am going? I could end up anywhere. I don't want to be restricted. Yes, I understand there are limitations in life, but why else do I constantly have the feeling I don't belong here in the first place. Society's ideas leave me drained. They leave me perplexed... how could THAT be life, when it feels like death to me? I'd rather follow my meandering path than force myself along some organized goal-oriented road. Where's the fun in that? Don't remind me that I used to live by rules. :) I don't want them anymore.

Changing Life With Indecision

2009-03-20T23:25:00.000-07:00

Well, since the las time I wrote, my life has changed. I started taking college classes, and thinking about it took up most of my time. It was as if even when I wasn't supposed to be doing my homework, it was still getting after me. This, along with other things, caused a pressure overload! I have been in a deep, dark place in my head, my seriously depressed zone. I don't write to others when there, just myself. Hopefully, I haven't lost any friends during these last few stressful weeks. It took five weeks to decide to drop my last class because I kept wondering what part of me wanted to drop out. Was it just my depression? Was it laziness? Was it a lack of responsibility? Did I really dislike college? How will others think of me? Imagine that you've spent the last 8 years at least thinking you had never accomplished anything, that you were worthless and useless and now you were even going to give up the one opportunity you've had to make something of yourself! Aaah! What a self-hating measure! But, what if dropping my classes WAS the worst mistake I could make in my life right now? How to tell?
First I discussed it with family members. Most of them thought that I should either do what made me happy, or do what made them happy. Now, this is pretty useless when I have no idea what will make me happy, nor do I have any wish to drop college to make their lives easier.
Then I talked to my friends. Well-meaning as one of them was, she was inclined to think that I should stay in college for its benefits-or at least she wanted to "encourage" me to stay in the classes even though she never heard what was going on in my life.
I think the person who encouraged me the most was the friend who listened to my troubles, offered suggestions to them, then listened to me again- I think she really tried to get down to the "What does Cassie really want to do?" I didn't know. I'm still not sure, but according to her, it's pretty clear.
I decided to write about my difficulties in my journal, and usually that just ended in a lot of spinning because I have so many points of view inside my head. When you can see things from everyone's point of view, it is tremendously hard to know which one is actually yours! It turns out that my inner self, the one that loves me, she was okay with any decision that I made. She reminded me that leaving college isn't the end of the world. That there are new adventures and new people to meet waiting beyond this frozen moment. I was/am in paralysis, but she told me that listening to my feelings-the stress, the depression, the anxiety, the fear- would tell me what I wanted, the real me, not all of my fake selves who do what they think they are "supposed" to be doing. Of course, my feelings, for the most part, said "Get the hell out of there! That's not for you yet! You're making yourself sick trying to measure up, trying to play this game you no longer have much interest in."
Did I listen? A little... and then a little more. Though, there was this persistent voice that said "But, but, but... what if, what if, what if.... you will have accomplished nothing if you stop now. You'll owe the college money you don't have for something that you never completed. That's stupid. You'll be a stupid, no good failing loser of a person if you quit. How can you do that to yourself? You are sabotaging yourself. Fight the feelings! Learn discipline! That's important. What does it matter if you get sick? At least you will have something to be proud of! Unlike now- unlike if you quit. Don't give up. You can do it. (If you stop being such a whiny baby and procrastinator.) You will lose the opportunity to study and learn with the teacher you like and a couple of the students. They could be your friends. You need more friends. You hate losing. So, don't lose."
Yuck. Who is that person? That's my self hating gremlin. He wants me to succeed-at any cost. He doesn't care about my wants-only what he thinks I "should" want. I mean, who in there right mind wants to stay at home and read and write and digest material and contemplate? Me!!! I do. I don't want to learn at someone else's pace and in someone else's manner. I hate tests. I hate homework. I hate studying. Of course, these might be necessary to get somewhere I want to go... but, if I am not sure where I am going, why is all that so important? With my low self-esteem, being judged makes me feel like I am really stupid. Although, if you talk to those who know me-they know I am bright and intelligent. I at times know this, too. But, not when I'm being judged-especially not when I'm being judged by myself. And the moment I think good or bad about myself is a moment for my self-hating to begin! Pride is not acceptable inside my head. The moment I feel I am good at something, the moment I must not be-I become frightened that it will all be taken away. And the pressure to continue being good at something ignites a part of myself that must fail. Obviously, college is not my best friend right now. Not even close.
I've been confused out of my mind. Hey, I need to hang out there for a while. There's far too much commotion on the inside.
For those of you who find yourselves in situations of indecision- for myself, listening to the love voice, the voice that doesn't put you down or deny your feelings, experience, or thoughts, helps to solidify knowledge of self and self's wants. Not right away, but after reflection and processing.
I still feel like I've been in a battle, and that I'm not quite extricated from it yet, but, I have seen the light on the other side. I have tasted self. I have discovered that it is okay to be oneself! I am afraid to lose an experience, an adventure, but all of life leads eventually to loss-little births and little deaths, and every path away and to is full of adventure and mystery. One loss isn't the end. One person I could have known better and didn't isn't detrimental to my well-being. Life is HUGE! And it's amazing. And I hope I learn to love myself, feelings, thoughts, depression, anxiety, OCD, and all. Wait... I will learn to love myself. I will. :)

What I Learned Today in Church

2009-01-02T10:44:00.000-08:00

Originally posted on facebook on December 7th, 2008.
I went to church today quite tired. I didn't get to bed early enough and I almost decided not to bother going to church. I hadn't been since March 23rd, what was the point in going today? Well, there was a very important point, some men from Teen Challenge Vermont were there today, and I have always liked their stories and presence. They inspired me more when I was a Christian, but even not being one, I still felt God with them, I still saw His passion and His love. The first service was actually the best for me because I wasn't worn out and I felt strong in myself, in my path with God. I realized that their separation is only a part of unity, just as my unity is a part of separation. All things pass to and from each other as the Tao says. We can't have one without the other. So, they'll be dividing in unity, and I'll be uniting in division. Or something like that. In the end-if there is a end-but somewhere, unity meets separation in Oneness and we all find our way.
I learned that I can laugh even at Christian jokes, ones that would normally make me go, "AAAAGH!". And that my Father is full of abundance, is infinite in gifts. He is not poor like my earthly father, and therefore I am not poor. I may always be financially distressed, but I never have to wallow in emotionally starvation or mental weakness or spiritual hunger, because God is great, and God will provide when I seek.
I discovered today that no matter how much I feel I don't belong, I do belong with God. I do belong with my Heart and my Love and it doesn't matter whether I am a Pantheist or a Christian cause I can only be who I was meant to be, I can only follow love where love leads.
I found that my abstinance from drugs and alcohol and other 'sinful' activities is a most powerful testimony of the power of God. I have remained faithful to my God if not a religion.
Here's to You, God! My Power, my Friend.

A Few Days of Non-belief

2008-10-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

For the past two days I have been practising non-belief. One knows how I am always saying that thoughts don't have power, but I've never been able to let go of that. Probably because two people who I am in close contact with DO believe that thoughts have power and it's hard to think for myself. There are many proofs in both directions. I would rather be free to believe what will help me, not hinder me. Practicing non-belief I have found helps me to let go. I don't have to believe in thoughts have power, I don't have to believe that thoughts don't have power. I don't have to listen to OCD, because right now, it can't touch me. This is a space of acceptance, of "whatever happens, happens." I call this practice Whatevering. :) So, far, it seems to be directly responsible for this not-quite-depressed mood. Before I decided to play in non-belief, I was so depressed I wanted nothing but death. It's hard being responsible for everything, and it's hard thinking that God doesn't really give a damn. So, I said "Okay, I'm not going to believe anymore. Not in God, not in anything. Not in prayer, not in thoughts, not in OCD." Of course, this is easier said than done, and I still believe in love, and I still give in to occasional OCD compulsions. But, not as many. It turns out that not believing in God when you actually do is not really possible. She's still there, and I still want to talk to someone! But, whatever! My little game of non-belief doesn't have to be perfect. It's a process. And it feels very much like Zen. :)

2008-09-14T15:09:00.000-07:00

Whitie passed away on August 30th, 2008. She was my first cat. The first cat to sleep in my room. The first cat I fed and took care of. She wandered into my life in October of 1998. I have never known a more beautiful cat, and I can say this even though she was pawicapped. She only had the full use of one leg. I love her so much! I miss her! I was only 16 when we met for the first time. I hope we meet again in another life, after I pass through that curtain of death. Goodbye for now, Whitie!

Spiritual Swinging

2008-08-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

Posted Originally on Thursday, July 17th, 2008: Today I decided to go for a swing. Swinging to me, is in itself a spiritual activity. When you are swinging, the wind rushes past your face, and you get a feeling of being moved, and then there is the sky, there in front of you, and perhaps if you swing just a bit higher, you could fly up into the clouds. I love swinging. Swinging also gains an extra aspect when you are singing while swinging. :) I happen to enjoy being able to release my feelings and thoughts in the form of a song, and alone at a playground on a swing is the perfect spot for it. If one wants to bring this whole swinging experience to it's culmination, bring along a spiritual book! I did this today, and I was reading a most beautiful chapter in a book, which in it's entirety said to me that everything happens for a grand and perfect reason, and that there really is a gift in all moments in all events, in all happenings. Sitting there on that swing, I was lifted up into the arms of a loving God, of Love itself, for I saw that He had given me a most marvelous gift in the form of that book, and in the form of events I thought were bad but had actually been blessings. I found that the people who come into our lives and harm us are the people who are teaching us our greatest and most important lessons- I learned forgiveness from a friend who gave me something to forgive! Without that opportunity, I never would have known forgiveness, never would have touched that level of love. She came into my life and gave me a gift, which seemed at the time only poison, but I see the gift clearly now. I see her love clearly now. I am able to view her true self. I thank her for her gift and give her forgiveness and offer forever my love to her.

Looking For God

2008-06-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

I was talking to one of my friends yesterday and she said that the Pastor gave everyone in church a little notebook and a pen to write down whenever they see God. My first impulse was to feel a bit of envy. Hehehe. I like notebooks. I want a little notebook. Not as though I don't have enough of my own little notebooks. :) I'm a silly human being. Anyway, second, for some reason, was, "Hey, that's really cool. I'd like to notice when I see God in my life and be able to keep the memory by writing it down. It wouldn't even be as boring as my thankfulness journal." I, as a pantheist, see God at all times! However, I am not aware of Her presense at all times. I forget. I don't stop and look. But, if I did, wow! Yesterday, I saw God all over the place. He was in the lightning, He was in the fact that I got home before it stormed, I left before it stormed, I helped my dad load the car with groceries right before it stormed, we didn't get hit by lightning, no trees fell in front of the car, and we got home while it wasn't severely storming. Woo! So, thanks God, for being with me always and showing me Yourself when I am aware enough to LOOK! :) God is marvelous, and so is the idea of looking out for Her, cause whenever I look, I will see!

I Saw an Angel

2008-06-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

I searched
in a dream game
for treasures
I found
an angel
and she spoke
in conundrums
and turned her head
and her body away
leaving the image of wings
I grabbed her
to communicate
but she was done
and the game
of life
went on.

Life is Beautiful

2008-06-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

Now I've missed May. Oh, well. I thought it was very interesting that on Thursday morning, having gone to bed after 6 am, I got up at 8 am and found the world outside to be filled with light- light that was clean and clear and crisp, and all it touched was washed by it, even me! Oh, it was so beautiful! I felt in that light to be a part of everything and I felt free. If I had gone to church at that moment, I would have been able to laugh and not be depressed. There is no judgment in that light. Everything is okay in that light. It was marvelous to be ALIVE in that light. I wonder how the world came to seem so bright after having watched many horror shows during the night. I have no idea, but it was cool. I was happy. How often does that happen?! Not often.

I recently found a Pantheism group, which I was invited to join, and have now been reveling in being with other pantheists. I've been so lonely. There may be only one other regular visitor to that group, but that is enough. I have read pantheism quotations and read about pantheism and found that it is more diverse than I could have imagined. Pantheists range from being Atheists to Theists-with those two views of God being so separate, how could anything unite them into one religion? That which does is amazing. If there were a religion that could unite the world, I think it would be Pantheism. It is already doing a fantastic job. And you know how I love unity! Oh, it's wonderful to know that I have a religion to call home! Yay!

Guess what? I am being me! It is a lot of work to be myself, but it was harder to not be myself. You know how it feels when you are being fake? Well, I was feeling that way a lot-stifled, squashed down. Well, I thought it was time to break free, as I said in April's post. And I am doing so. Woo! It is freeing to be meing. Hehehe. :)

Being Me, and Thoughts

2008-04-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

Woops, I missed March. Oh, well. I have been thinking about stuff. For one, I have this plan to fill a folder with stuff about me-my poems, my drawings, my paintings, my thoughts, my interests, my religion-everything about me- and share this folder with everyone I meet. I don't want people to make assumptions about who I am. I want them to know me. And if they reject me, so what! There are billions of other people in the world. I am me, I am unique and I am different than any other person in the world. If I don't share me, if I'm not me-who will be? The light of me will be lost. No more! I will break through the fear and live as me, not the masks I usually wear.
Ah, yes. I also did some thinking about thoughts. That's an interesting past time. :) I thought about the thoughts I have about rejection and my expecting rejection from everyone. How, according to some people, these thoughts create the reality of my being rejected. Recently, this was proved false. I shared my journey and some of my thoughts expecting to be debated with, and instead I found that people appreciated my honesty and didn't reject me. I found someone who is also a person on the path of Love. I wouldn't have found them if I hadn't posted my testimony on how I deconverted from Christianity, and what I believe in. So, things do not happen based upon our thoughts about them. Things happen as they will, and sometimes our thoughts align with what happens. We are not all powerful. For a person with OCD, this is great news! My thoughts do not create reality! Woo! The Universe is alright again!
I was happy about this realization, but my OCD still says "No, your thoughts do have power. And because of them, you are guilty of many things." The ol' conditioning. Well, I am no longer a part of whatever conditioned me to believe that my thoughts are evil, so why am I listening to OCD?
Maybe I wouldn't listen to it if people didn't agree with it. They wouldn't believe such things if they knew the hell I live in because of that belief. If OCD is true, if they are right, life isn't worth living. But, then again, people who say these things don't have OCD. They don't understand the confusion, the thoughts, the pain. I do, and I refuse accept that belief!
From the perspective of the universe-or multi-verse, or whatever-none of it matters. Our thoughts aren't evil. They are little movings of little energy in a massive, giant, huge, gigantic, humungous, infinity!! How can our measley thoughts have any affect on It? My thoughts only affect me. And I am a speck in this mighty existence. I am a dot of a dot. I am invisible in the immensity. All evil, all pain, all death, all war, it all melts away the further out you go. In that Peace, I am free.

-Cassie

A Rummage Sale

2008-02-21T15:55:00.000-08:00

Feeling strange right now... Hmm... I went to a rummage sale yesterday at which the books were free!! Woo! I didn't see much of interest, though. I found a book called "The Last Days of Socrates". It has been interesting so far. I also found a textbook called "a quest for the universe". Now, that's a cool book. It's filled with all kinds of interesting facts and also has study questions for recalling the information. I did fine at the multiple choice, but the questions where I have to think and write are giving me difficulty. My brain hasn't been worked like that in many years. :) I think it could use some exercise.

Depression and Books

2008-01-31T13:50:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I don't keep my blog updated. My thoughts are wandering around, there's nothing solid to write about. I spent a few days in another town recently. I discovered the truth that places hold negative energy again-the place I stayed at depleted my positive energy in a hurry! I haven't been very happy since then, either. Before I left, I wasn't depressed, which is unusual for me, but, I've returned to my usual mind-state. Woops. :) Oh, well. It's my life. I went to a couple of used book stores and a place which sells used books, I had a good time doing that. I bought 8 new books, which I have yet to finish. I did read a little book on Zen, which was good, though very small. I found another book on Zen Buddhism, but it is too centered in telling me about precepts and rules to follow...um, I'm not very good with that. For some reason, I always feel guilty for not being a better person. I don't like who I am, I guess. So, every time I read about bettering ourselves, I feel the same pain. Why am I not good enough just the way I am? Well, part of me thinks I am. Another parts wants to tear me to shreds and start over. I want to be a good person, you know, what everyone considers to be a good person, but this means I think I can fail to be a good person and that would make me a bad person. Ah, labels, judgments. Lovely things they are. One day, one day I hope to give them up. To better myself!! Ha, ha, ha! Evil grin. This world is soooo confusing. So many shoulds and shouldn'ts and what's right and wrong, and what's normal or abnormal... I'm kind of tired of the whole thing. Circles, circles, I go round, dizzy, dizzy, I fall down.

The Past Few Events

2007-12-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

Whoops, I didn't manage to write in this last month. I went to a lecture on the 20th of October, and got to meet Marcus Borg in person! I enjoyed the lecture, but mostly the part where he talked about God being Isness. That is so close to talking about pantheism that I felt it stir my spirit. The rest of the lecture was interesting. He talked about biblical literalism and reading the bible historically and metaphorically. I certainly want to learn how to read the bible historically/metaphorically, because literalism is kind of sickening. Although I don't think it will help me like the bible again. I'm tired of Christian language these days. Even metaphorical. Marcus Borg also talked about being an intentional Christian or a conventional Christian. Intentional Christians are Christians because they have chosen to be, they go to church not because everyone else is going, but because that's where they want to be. Last but not least he talked about the last empire and how one day it would fall like all the others, and that Jesus was an anti-empirical. Greed is the root of all evil-empires are the epitome of greed.
I had an interesting thought about the serpent when Mr. Borg said that the Python in Revelation was the symbol for an empire, or Greed. I thought about the serpent in the garden of eden and wondered if that too was greed, and it seems to be just that-for it offered power to Eve, and created greed within her. So, it is not some devil or satan that tempts us, it is just a human desire-greed.

At the end of October I went to church for the first time in three months and I actually had a good time. I thought about what the pastor said in metaphorical terms instead of the way he really meant it, and it helped. That way I was able to just think on positive things and not so much on the negative.
Last Sunday I went to church again, which isn't what I would have wanted to do since it had only been a month since my last visit, but some men from Teen Challenge Vermont were there, and I have loved their stories every time I heard them. They talk about how God saved them from drugs and addictions. They are the only people I have met who I believe when they say "Jesus saved me". It doesn't make any sense when others say it who haven't been saved from anything. I didn't enjoy this group as much as the last two, but maybe it was destroyed by it being holy communion Sunday. Like I said to my friend "This is the first Holy Communion I'm not taking since February 4th." Holy communion in their manner just makes me nauseous. Eh. Besides that, the men didn't seem very happy, and I like to be inspired by saved men-saved men aren't so down, are they? They are free of their addictions! They have their families and friends back! That is something to be happy about, isn't it? Oh, well.

We Don't Deserve God's Love?!

2007-10-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

I keep running into things that have my mind getting impassioned. I guess it's good for that to happen some, otherwise my mind doesn't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't want to overdo it, though. One of the most recent things I was reading about was how we don't deserve to be in God's presence, and we don't deserve God's love, and we don't deserve God's forgiveness... I feel angry at reading things like that. Those three sentences have no meaning-one can't deserve any of that-you can't deserve love or forgiveness or to be in someone's presence. Those things are not on a measuring stick, there are no love points to be earned. To say one doesn't deserve to be loved is a horrible negative statement which only purpose seems to be to tell people how worthless and insignificant they are. People are not worthless and insignificant! We all matter to God, we all have value to God. I think it is utterly defeating to tell a person "God loves you so much, even though you don't deserve it." What? What's the point in telling them God loves them when you just made them not worthy of love? There is going to be a big wound in people who believe such statements, for they really say "You are not lovable." Why isn't the statement "God loves you" no, "Even though..."? There should never, ever be any "buts" when it comes to love. "I love you, but" is not a love statement. Adding 'deserve' to a love statement contradicts the love statement. Who would tell their children "I love you even though you don't deserve it"? I don't think anyone but the most sick parents would say such a thing. I read in a short story that we do not deserve to be in God's presence. What a painful thing to say! They were comparing us to a dog who wandered into an orchestra-I bet that no one said or thought "That dog does not DESERVE to be here!" No, that would be stupid, and yet when it comes to us appearing in the orchestra of God, they have the gall to say "Even though we don't deserve to be there". Don't deserve? What does deserving have to do with anything?! Ugh!

The Encompassment of Biblical Interpretation

2007-09-27T11:20:00.000-07:00

I've been really depressed lately. It feels as though my life is going nowhere. I've kind of run out of things to do in this small town I live in. I just started volunteering at the school again, but it's not the same as before, it doesn't feel like I actually did anything. I miss having a life. I'm really lonely. I found myself falling into a hole of pain when I was reading on a message board about the reason why hell has to exist and why justice must punish sin. That is so tiring. People who talk like that don't seem to know what justice or love is. I was trying to explain it to them-silly me- and I was getting more and more depressed as the conversation went on. It didn't help either that I was reading the Bible looking for the answers for them and I realised they were never going to see things the way I do, even with the Bible verses. Whatever one wants to believe, it's there in the Bible. You want to believe in hell-it's there. You want to believe that Christ saves everyone and that hell is a metaphor-it's there. You want to believe that God hates sin and sinners and will punish both-it's there. You want to believe that God uses sin for His glory and loves sinners wholeheartedly, it's there. You want to believe that justice punishes sinful people-it's there. You want to believe that justice heals the wounds of all, disciplines and corrects-it's there. You want to believe in evil spirits and a satan-it's there. You want to believe that satan and evil spirits don't exist but are symbols-it's there. You want to believe that women are to be in submission to men-it's there. You want to believe that men and women are equal in God's eyes-it's there.
I'm tired of it all. I want to give up on Christianity! I love Christ, but Christianity is destroying my spirit. I think from now on I'll just refer to myself as a pantheist. I don't need to keep the label of Christian. It just confuses people anyway. They think it means that I believe in hell and sin and evil and the Bible, when it means none of that. When I say I am a Christian, I mean I am a disciple of Christ. I am a follower of the Way. I talk to and have communion with the Person of Divine Love, Christ. I am not a believer in the religion of Christianity.

Loving What You Fear?

2007-08-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting my blog! Well, I don't have much to write about. I try not to upset myself by reading material I disagree with, but that also stops me from getting all passionate and having something to say. I don't know, is it better to avoid serious depression, or have something to write about? :) I think I know the answer.
Anyway, I have been reading A Course in Miracles, and it is quite hard to read. I don't even know why I am bothering to try. I don't really understand what it is saying. One interesting subject is fear. It says not to master fear, but to achieve mastery through love. Now, this made perfect sense to me when it came to being afraid of the dark. To release fear of darkness one must love the darkness, become friends with it. This works for me, because it is how I have been wroking through my present overwhelming fear of darkness I've had ever since my cat died. It's finally fading away through the power of love. However, this release fear through love thing doesn't make much sense to me when it comes to my fear of the house burning down. Uh, wouldn't it be very odd to love the house burning down? I don't think that is possible for me. Fire is beautiful, but being beautiful isn't enough for me to love it tearing through the house! There would be a lot more involved in overcoming this fear than just love. I'd have to let go of my attachments. Is that loving? To be non-attached? Perhaps it is...
Recently I had an experience which was kind of odd. I was looking at a picture of Leonidas (the character in the movie 300) and it spoke to me. Not in words, but through feeling. Seeing him scarred, muscled, screaming, it just spoke of power. Raw human strength. He stood up for what he believed in-even to his own death-that is love! I felt moved to tears. I wish I knew how to explain it better, but it left an impression on me. Even though it was a picture of a man going into battle, a man used to killing, it was somehow a beautiful picture. That doesn't seem like something I would see in such a picture, being as I am against war and violence. I thought the experience was intriguing.

Death and Questions

2007-07-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

One of my family's cats passed away on Tuesday, June 26th, 2007.

His name was Big Boy, and he was loved by us. This death has had an impact on my faith in God. In some ways it feels stronger and in other ways weaker. I don't know whether to trust Him or not. If I am going to pray for healing and life and my cat just dies anyway, then I don't know what to think about God. I've decided that everything is predestined, because otherwise, nothing makes any sense. And maybe it doesn't make sense anyway, but at least this way, I can have faith in the unknown, because the unknown will be perfect accodring to God's plan. Even though at times God's plan looks painful and sometimes pretty stupid, we can't see into the beyond, we really don't know what's going on. Only God knows, and we know that God is Love, so His plan for us is only out of love and for our highest benefit. Sometimes I feel stuck between two worlds. I can see this grand plan of love, and other times, it is not a grand plan of love at all, but nothing is happening. I think I feel like the writer of Ecclesiastes: '"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."' In meaningless, nothingness, there is this quiet, this all-pervading silence, and I don't know how to live in silence. I like the noise of the universe. I feel the silence now, though. It's frightening because it's all consuming, and unknown. What is it? And how is it this silence can be what is, and yet there is all this noise? It is quite difficult to contemplate this paradox of the universe. I just stock it up to be one of those things that goes beyond my comprehension.
I wrote a poem about death:
Death, I want to be
your friend,
but you take away
the ones I love.
I know you mean me
no harm
but it hurts
anyway.
You tell me to let go
I don't know how
Your hand looks
rough and stiff
nothing I want to touch
but there you are
staring at me
Your essence is dark
and fear wells up
within me
how can I accept you?
You have erased
their pain
mine has been stirred.
Your hand did not hold
the spoon, did it?
No, it is my hand
stirring the suffering
because I beheld
you,
and I was afraid
am afraid
because you are so
sudden
so final
so shocking.
You are not
as I expected
you reached past
my walls
and sent shivers
through my heart.
You snatched
the last
of Pandora's
creatures,
Hope
what can I hope for now?
Death is the End
of all living things
and here
in the known world
the end
is not
a beginning.
There will be no more
of that which was lost
to you
Not in this life
nor in that form
Innocence was shattered
by your touch.
All I can do now
is stop trying
to hold on to
that which has
passed beyond
He will not return
as he was
he will be new
and I won't know
who he is.
The only way
to disperse despair
is to release
the fear of change
The caterpillar must die
to become
the butterfly
There is no sorrow
at that loss
for that loss
was gain.
Is all death
so beautiful?
You do not look so
from this perspective.
Let me stand
elsewhere
for a while
so I can see you
in your gown of glory
your hand of light
let me see,
that you are
just a night
full of stars
a mystery
full of love
let me see
you.
I am reminded
that when Arjuna
saw Krishna
in His fullness
he was overwhelmed
for the sight of
Krishna
was fearsome
Were you there
in that vision,
death?
Yes, for He says
"I am Death".

Fearing What You Don't Accept: An Autobiography

2007-06-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

Today I'm going to write a little more about myself. I've had some experiences which have taught me that we fear that which we have not yet accepted. When I was 15, my sister moved out of the house, taking with her some part of myself, because after that, I wasn't the same. I didn't know who I was and I forgot many things. I became very insecure, I think I thought that if I wasn't good enough, I would also get thrown out of the house, and I was terrfied. I didn't know who to be. I don't know why, but my attempts at not acting like my sister failed, and I started to do the very things I was afraid of doing. I forgot how to wash my hands-how in the world does that happen?! To this day I am still afraid that it will happen again. I am not whole, I am still broken by these experiences. I went into tenth grade in high school and found myself more lost, because I would be afraid of doing whatever the teachers told us not to do, and because of that fear, I would lead myself right into doing what I wasn't supposed to. One thing that happened bothered me for years. I was in health class watching a video about homosexuals. They had said that people were able to tell if you were, and I became afraid that people would think I was, even though I wasn't, which of course had the effect of creating in myself the image that I was homosexual! Fear! Terror that someone would see right through me, see that I was starting to have feelings for women and not any for men. They would know, and I would be rejected. Being homosexual was considered wrong by me, so I was wrong. I was messed up. I was lost. I kept this as a deep dark secret until I finally started to accept who I really am, and that is not a homosexual. That was a mistaken identity. And the only way to see who I really was was to accept that it is okay to be homosexual. It's totally natural. There's nothing wrong with it at all. I accept the sexual feelings I have for women as well as the ones I have for men, now that I have accepted myself and others. I am free of that fear now. But, other fears came upon me, too, that I have yet to overcome because I have not accepted them. Because I have not accepted them as a part of me, I cannot even share them with you, for fear I will be rejected. See, I have difficulties with my sexual part of myself. I am frightened of her. She has feelings for many people that I don't think she should be feeling that way about. I reject her, so I cannot be free. So, I dealt with a lot of confusion on the matter of my sexuality. I remember watching a movie during that time when a woman was talking about being raped, and I was being aroused by that, and it was so shameful to me that I ran away to cry and pretended I was using the bathroom so they wouldn't know it had bothered me. I also had trouble writing papers because I didn't know my own ideas. I washed my hands methodically, making sure to wash every finger, and every spot. That period of my life is something so strange and frightening that I still fear it will happen again. I have thoughts that if I don't do something a certain way or at a certain time, someone will die, or something bad will happen. I can't seem to get past that completely, for I will indeed blame myself if something bad happens and I didn't do what I was supposed to do. This I assume is OCD. Since I have never been diagnosed, I can't be sure, but it seems to be the answer for what was, and is, affecting my life so negatively. I have come to dread anyone who says our thoughts become our reality, because my thoughts can be dangerous-at least that's what they tell me! What do they mean if I have a thought that my cat will die, then my cat will really die because I focused on that thought due to my fear? Eeeeeek!! That makes everything worse. I already have the problem where I think that if I think it will happen, it will. That's scary, because I have thoughts that my family and/or friends will die. How could my thoughts possibly be responsible for their deaths?! I have this prayer I say to make sure that doesn't happen. I wish I didn't have to be afraid. It may all stem from my sister leaving, I blamed myself for that. Something happened, something in me broke. I don't know how to fix it, but I have managed to work through some of the ill effects of that event. It is hard to release OCD-it swears it is too important! No, you can't do that! Someone will die! Someday I'll have to accept that death happens and it is certainly not my fault unless I take actions. Thoughts do not affect another person's reality, only my own. The only way someone could die by my thoughts is if their own thoughts also co-operated. I have many things to accept in this life. Acceptance brings peace and freedom.

Choosing a State of Mind

2007-05-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been remembering that I choose my state of mind. I choose how I perceive things-within my ability to perceive otherwise. I was feeling angry at my brother for something, and I stopped for a moment and realized I didn't have to be angry. (Especially if I am going to follow what I believe in-which is that everything happens for a reason. :) ) It didn't really matter. I keep making things matter that aren't that serious. Of course, I know the reasons behind my mental exaggerations. They are more serious, but they really don't have anything to do with the situation at hand. I've found that my main fear is that I'll be a failure. I'm afraid to fail at life, so I don't try to live. I create relationships that are bound to fail, out of my need not to fail. I create fail/fail choices because I don't want to be responsible for anything, because I don't want to fail. I fail because I don't want to. I talked to God about this in my journal. He made it clear that the only way for me to escape my fail/fail options is to decide who I really want to be, and what I really want to do. If I want to do it, and I do it, I can't fail. It only becomes a fail when I'm not sure about my decisions. Here's what He said: "Decide who you want to be, really. Decide what you want to do, really. And once you have, don't let following your chosen path count as a failure. If you do it, you succeed, no matter what you fail to do. When you succeed at winning, you fail at losing! Just as you succeeded at saying no at the retreat, and failed at saying yes." Later She said: "Do not worry. You will not fail me. You cannot fail me." Oh, I needed to hear that so much! Thanks, God! :) God's love for us is higher than our deepest wishes of what love could be. We cannot fail God!

Suffering for Silence

2007-05-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

I was ordered to speak

but remained silent

for fear of ridicule

for rebellion

But what use was it

to keep quiet

and destroy love?

To whom must I be

faithful?

Must I betray myself

to please him?

Or uphold my dignity?

This question burns me.

What choice do I have

when both paths

fail one of us?

Who's to suffer?

I took this question

to bed

and let my tears

wash me into myself

where I was no good

and death loomed

before me

my emotions tore at me

until in my pain

I smashed my head

into the bars

of my prison

until it split

and my blood

poured out into

my dreams

and drowned my purpose.

As I lay there

hopeless

I fell asleep

and when I awoke

it was no more.

Only a memory

of suffering

and a throbbing

in my head.

I want to be free.

Never Good Enough: The Lie of Perfection

2007-05-03T12:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not really interested in doing Tuesday Topics anymore, I just don't really have any thoughts on the subjects they choose, so it's kind of pointless. Besides that, I don't like to write my thoughts when they are not interesting and thought provoking. It makes me feel ineffectual, less than who I want to be, and I judge my writing by strict standards. It sucks being a perfectionist. Actually, it's quite depressing. I drew a picture of my mother a couple of years ago, and I don't like it at all. I see it's flaws. I didn't feel it was good enough to show anyone, but I decided to anyway. Everyone I showed it to seemed to think it was a work of art. My fears and need to be perfect have deprived me of sharing my gifts with the world. Never good enough is my constant inner message to myself. No wonder I'm depressed. I do not know how to stop that recording. I have had it for so long. How can I believe anything but that? It makes itself sound so true. Especially when the messages around me are usually the same as the one in my head. When they are not the same, I don't believe them because I don't trust others-unless they agree with my misperception of myself! So defeating! I'm trapped in my own head! I do hope I have a key, or someone does. God's message to me is that She loves me-how do I even truly believe that when in my head it's "No one loves you. You are not worthy to be loved." Will continuing to affirm that God loves me break the chain of negative messages? I truly hope so, I have been using affirmations for a couple of weeks. I do not see much progress, but that does not mean it isn't working. Could just be that these positive messages I am using are pushing the negative ones out, and that's why I am running into them more often and with more ferocity. They do not want to leave their home. I feel insignificant and pointless. I feel like I have no purpose. God has said that my purpose is to live as the trees live. They give of themselves naturally. And they give what they can give, and not what people want them to give. You can't expect a tree to grow money, you will be sorely disappointed. I am tired of the expectations people place upon me. Trees live. I am to live. Just to live. In living, I love, I give, I grow. I do not have to give the perfect gift, nor give it perfectly. I do not have to love perfectly or grow perfectly. I do not have to be perfect! The image of perfection is a lie-the only perfect we can achieve is imperfect. My drawing of my mother is imperfect, and that's perfect! It must be imperfect! It is meant to be imperfect! My gifts are perfectly imperfect. We really need some new words, I think. Perfect and imperfect are so full of prejudisms and biases.

Tuesday Topic?

2007-04-10T09:38:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday...normally I would talk about the war in Iraq, but today's topic isn't something I wish to do-post a picture of the Iraq war. A picture of the war? Where am I going to find that? Why would I want that on my blog? I wouldn't.

Easter Love

2007-04-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

Hey, I went to church today...I thought I would go after Easter, not on Easter, but I'm glad I went because there was a great sermon. It's a good thing my mind has had time to rest and contemplate and get stronger, because right now I can hear things I normally couldn't hear, without any problems. There are more important things than a difference in theology. Besides, the death and resurrection of Christ really is a beautiful story if one looks beyond the negatives of it. Usually I'd see God as wrath and God as hate, but I have to remember, the story of Christ's sacrifice is a metaphor created by man to understand God's amazing ability to forgive. God's forgiveness is like a wave washing over us, cleansing us of our sins-that is true! That can be experienced through Jesus.
For me, everything must be seen through the eyes of love, I can't look at it any other way or my depression sets in, God is good to me to allow me to find such a perspective. I can never be a Christian-holding the same beliefs that most Christians do, but I can be a Christian, someone who loves the message of Christ-not that we are sinners, but that God forgives. We need to hear that. I need to hear that. Humans are not good at forgiveness. We don't even forgive ourselves, but God forgives automatically. Love reaches out and touches us, and we are free.
Today's sermon was about power. How to have power to live and do good. I see that we can have this power through giving ourselves to Love. They say let Christ control us, but that doesn't make sense to me, I say let Love flow, and that is living as Christ would. To let Love flow, one must give up hate and anger and selfishness, one must let go of everything, and through love, gain everything. The Pastor said this when he said for us to die to ourselves. Yes, die to our negatives! Give everything to Love. Give your gifts to love, your happiness to love, your sadness to love. In love, all things are made right. Our power is LOVE. There is no power greater, there is no power that can overcome Love. We can overwhelm fear with love! Isn't that wonderful? Joy is in Love's arms.

Love Never Gives Up

2007-04-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday, time for a topic chosen by the people of One Million Blogs for Peace. I think I'll paste the question this time.
Try to imagine yourself as a lifelong Iraqi citizen.What do you think would motivate you?How do you think your life would change if foreign combatants left the country?How do you think you would feel about the United States and other occupying countries?

I would have to ask, motivate me to what? As I am right now, nothing much motivates me to do anything. I don't know what it is like to live in a world of foreign combatants, I have no base to form an opinion for how life would change. All I can imagine is that I would feel relieved. My life would pretty much stay the same since I don't have a life to begin with. I would probably feel like they were intruders.

In other news, I'm going to have a talk with my friend on Thursday. I am frightened, but I think I can at least say some of what I need to say. I'm going to have this talk because I know it is the only thing I can do to save this friendship. I have been letting my fear of her control me, it's about time I take a little control of myself. I also know that this talk is going to settle this, whether we will be close friends or not-really-friends. I'm going to try to talk about my trust issues and how she has acted against herself by teaching me not to trust her. Amazingly, there is a beneficial and wonderful reason for all of this pain I am going through, it is to grow in love. To learn how love acts. Love forgives all things! And I get to know this through experience. When I am loving my friend, the things she has done to me just pass away. That's the kind of forgiveness God has for us. He forgives through love, not punishment. Love needs nothing to forgive-it's a natural action of love to forgive. So, I forgive my friend. Especially when I'm loving her. Definitely not when I'm brooding with anger. It's hard not to sometimes, but my love for her surpasses my anger toward her. This is how I get to also experience that love is not and cannot be angry. One other thing I get to learn first hand is how to deal with anger. I have always run away from it, it scares me. It shoves me into my little shell and I won't come back out without love and gentleness. I don't know why I am so afraid of anger. I think it is because I am afraid the angry person will reject me. I have every reason to believe this is true since angry people do tend to reject those they are angry with. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be rejected. God wants to teach me how to deal with rejection and pain, see how they are related to learning how to love unconditionally. To love compassionately and earnetsly and wonderfully. Love is so grand. I thank God that He gives me such glorious gifts.
Today some people were doing the Stations of the Cross, and they came across a picture of Jesus with His back turned to people. They said "Look, His back is turned toward those people!" And it seemed they were shaken by that. They apparently don't know the perception of Jesus that I know. He doesn't turn His back toward people except as a sign of trust. Cats think nothing of having a back turned toward them. They actually think it is good. I asked Jesus why His back was turned, and He in His humor said "Because I don't have four heads.". Yeah, it'd be hard to draw a picture of Jesus looking in every direction at once. He has to, in a human body, turn His back on people. But, His back is just as great as His front. And those with His back can say "I've got His back!" See, He trusts those He turns His back on. He doesn't turn His back on the needy but the un-needy. As He said "I came not for the righteous but the sinners." If you don't need saving, you don't need the front of Jesus, He knows you will be fine. Of course, that's not the Jesus they were imagining. They were imagining the Jesus who forsakes people. The Jesus who ignores those who are too caught up in there sins to see Him. Well, He's never going to be able to save them if He turns His back on them, now is He? I don't think so. Love NEVER gives up. Love is always there for those that need love. Love hangs out with sinners, it doesn't ignore them. I'm glad God is Love.

Failing at Friendship?

2007-04-01T07:13:00.000-07:00

This is interesting, my friend says she didn't say we weren't friends at all, so what does that mean? Are we still friends? Semi-friends? I don't know what to do. Silence for now. I've got to convince myself this is a good thing. God is using this event to strengthen me, to teach me understanding and empathy. I feel depressed. Nothing I'm not used to. I'll get through this, and so will she, and we'll at least be amicable with each other. I have experienced almost this same exact situation about 3 times with this woman. I always wanted to be a friend to her. I wish I could have managed. Am I a failure?

Distraught

2007-03-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like falling asleep and never waking up. Then maybe this nightmare would end. It all started when I went to a retreat with some people from the church I used to go to. A part of the theme was being vulnerable with other Christians. I didn't go for that, I went to have an adventure. I don't get out much. This trip was to NH, I'd never been to NH. Anyway, I was having a stressful day and decided I didn't want to have my feet massaged by a stranger, or even by someone I knew. I was frightened of being judged about my feet. I was tired of feeling vulnerable, tired of the strength needed to face terrying situations, so I didn't do it. When I was leaving, a friend saw me and started to come after me, so I ran from her because I didn't want to have a confrontation.
This is the important scene-because it started the nightmare. The nightmare where my friend decided to write to me about how childish I had been by running away and not having my feet massaged. How she had siad I was chickening out and I shouldn't have gotten upset about her saying that-well, I didn't! I didn't hear her, and I didn't care! She says I was acting like a six year old, and she is frustrated with me and disappointed. She attacked me for being scared. That is very painful to endure, a friend insulting one over nothing! I want to cry, I have cried. I wrote back to her, and she wrote back and attacked me some more! And then she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore because I won't trust her. I'm sorry, but she's just not someone I can trust, and it's been that way since we started the friendship, what's the big deal now? Why does it matter now? I'm too wounded to be vulnerable with her, doesn't she understand that? Look at how she treated me over not having my feet massaged. I did nothing to her, and now we're not friends, and I feel so lost! Why did this have to happen? I think everything happens for a reason, but it is hard to find a reason for pain. I do think that it is the healthiest thing for both of us, but...it hurts. I don't know what I was meant to learn through this experience.

Understanding the Opposition

2007-03-27T10:33:00.000-07:00

Today's Tuesday topic is not easy for me, for I would find it quite hard to imagine myself feeling differently about the war in Iraq. I am passionately against it, how can I imagine being for it, even a little? I'd have to imagine not only a change in thought but a change in personality, which is not something I can do. I can only hope that if I was for the war, showing me the suffering of the people there and the soldiers would change my mind, since I am empathetic, I doubt I could remain for the war seeing all the pain and death and know that it was needless.

Cats are Sacred

2007-03-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

I just read something odd. I was reading about dream interpretation and did a search about cats-because I see my cats in my dreams often. Apparently, seeing a cat in your dreams is ill fortune. That doesn't seem right to me, but of course, I love my cats and wouldn't want a dream where I killed one of my cats just to maintain good fortune. Yuck. How horrible. What is so negative about a cat? I think they are sacred. Perhaps the author of that perception is biased against cats. My cats most likely stand for other things, and not what some dream intepreters say. Also, they could just be in my dreams because they are a part of my life, and for no other reason than that.

A Choice For Peace

2007-03-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Today's topic kind of intermingles with yesterday's post, since this blog is participating in blogging for peace, and there are Tuesday topics.
I remember when the war in Iraq started, I was upset, I was definitely against the war, but I was also against the media presentation of the first bombings-because those were actual people dying with each of those bombs-they weren't statues or dummies or dolls, they were living, loving human beings with families, they were fathers and brothers and sisters and mothers. They weren't objects, for us to watch their massacre on tv as though it was nothing. I couldn't stand it. I am against murder, and war is murder, no ifs, ands, or buts. I was against the war because there had already been so many deaths, on 9/11, and in Afghanistan, I didn't want more suffering in the world. I knew war would happen, but four years of it?! Pain! Why so much pain in the world that could have been avoided? We can still avoid more pain. We always have the choice for peace.

Love Your 'Enemies'

2007-03-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

I have always been against war. Christ said "Love your enemies." I can't see how killing them is loving, really. I never heard Christ say "Love your enemies, but if they are not just your enemies, but your ENEMIES, hate them and kill them." When are we going to be able to turn our swords into plowshares if we keep on warring? Are we waiting for the next life? Yes, peace can be accoplished, but sorry, not this time around. What are we waiting for? Is the human race prepared to obliterate itself just to have peace? That's the stupidest way to peace I ever contemplated. Of course it'll be peaceful, there won't be anymore humans! People probably think it's not going to come to that, but we've already begun. We've already started attacking people to prevent them from attacking us, which is NOT going to do us any good. Actually, it is causing more hatred between other nations and ours. War only creates more war, war never, ever leads to peace. I did a study on this in High School, and I read that "In the end, all wars lead to peace." I proved that statement false. Wars lead to a calm before the storm. It seems peaceful, but you aren't looking at the seething beneath the waves. You aren't looking at the winds gathering power. You aren't listening to the depth of the silence. Life goes on after war, which leaves space for the anger and hatred to grow, and war to spring up from the ashes. Do we wish to create such a space? Let us stop war! War is not even justified. There is no justice in war. Justice is compassionate and merciful-justice seeks to understand and seeks to heal-justice does not seek revenge, does not seek to create injustice, for that is what every wound is-an injustice. War creates large wounds which are usually difficult to heal. War destroys families and animals and trees. War destroys hope, and love, and peace. War destroys. Justice builds. Peace is the answer. We need peace in Iraq, and we need to prevent more war in other countries. We need to be a people for peace and love!

Ash Wednesday

2007-02-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

Today I was talking to a friend about Ash Wednesday, and they said it was about convicting ourselves of how sinful we are. That doesn't sound like a good activity to me. I stated my negative opinion of this by saying, "You'll never get me to do that!" No, they won't get me to feel utterly horrible about myself, I do that enough all by myself, I don't need to think that God also thinks I'm rotten. But, I added this as to why I wouldn't do it "Christ already took care of that." Yes, if we are to believe that Christ wiped away our sins, what in the world are we doing bringing sin back into the picture? They keep killing Christ over and over, for what? Of course we do harmful things to each other, but Christ never said "Focus upon your sins." He said "I've come to take away the sins of the world." They are gone. They are not kept on record. Nor in a book. Are we saying that Christ didn't accomplish what He came to do, that we are still such awful things? Instead of feeling bad, let's feel good! Let's take our convictions, and do something beautiful. Paul talked of this, when he talked about his thorn. That thorn could have been a sin, but instead of feeling like he was a bad person, he took that thorn and gave glory to God through it. That would be the only beneficial reason to even see our sins is to do something to heal the wounds created by them. Love sees sins and says "What can I do to heal this situation?" Love doesn't see sins and say "What horrors! Boo! What have I done?! What have you done?! I hate myself! I hate you! I hate what I've done!" Yeah, really try to imagine Love hating. It doesn't work. Love loves. That's how sin leaves, through love. As the Bible says "God so loved the world He gave His Son!" He loved! He gave! It wasn't "God so hated sin, He forced His Son to be crucified so He could forgive those stupid humans for all their evil deeds." We turn Christ's gift into a nightmare! And we turn our puny little lives into lives that should be squashed! What do we do that for? We hate ourselves so much. Let's not do that anymore. Let's love.

Judgement Soup

2007-02-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

Wow, I'm judgmental! I complain a lot about the judgments of others and find myself judging everyone, too. To add to that, I also judge myself for judging others. This whole judgment thing is really harmful to the health. That's why I am glad there is Zen! When you are seeing the world as it is, there is no room for judgment. It is "cloud in the sky, water in the jug". There's no, "Hey that cloud is an odd shape. I don't like the look of those clouds." "This water tastes funny. Why do these crazy people keep putting water in jugs! They should use glass jars!" Yay, no judgment. I could use that in my life, which is why I have returned to studying the way of Zen, it is good food for my aching soul.
Going to church every Sunday was "judge, judge, judge!". Who can live like that? I really don't want to any more. I went to church in the beginning not to judge, but to learn. However, eventually learning reached a point of nothingness. Couldn't I have been happy with nothingness? I guess not, because when I don't learn something, I automatically put on my judgment hat. Perhaps that is because I am wearing my judgment hat anyway, looking for something to learn. It's also hard to listen to judgment without responding in kind! I have much to unlearn! I never left church because I didn't want to miss an opportunity to learn, and I wanted to give up judgment. I can't stop judging them if I'm not even there, can I? Well, I didn't think I could. Apparently I can't give up judgment while still going.
I left Zen in a corner while I ran off to judge everything. How silly of me. Judgment has it's uses, but in moderation! Spending my life judging is quite tiring. I think I'll take a nap. It is difficult to take a break from judging. Why, just a moment ago I was judging the noises in the house as being something bad, because now I can't concentrate enough to write this blog. I am good at judging. Would you like that as one of your talents? It comes in handy for being sick, confused, and depressed.
I am returning to practicing "observing without mental comment". Three years ago, I wouldn't have even made it to church if it wasn't for this technique. Whenever I went for a walk, I would think others were judging me (a mental comment), this caused me to want to stay inside. But, with the help of letting mental comments slide by without fixating upon them, I was able to go for walks, and go to church for the first time in 7 years. Even switching the object of my judgment was useful, if I couldn't cease judging altogether. That would be so helpful now, when I'm judging people as being mean, insensitive, and horrible-instead I could judge the sky as beautiful, the snow as white, and music as calming. Then you could ask me, "What about those people?" And I could say "What people?".

Impassioned Against Injustice

2007-02-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

On Sunday I ran away from church before it was over because I felt pressured into doing something that wasn't me. I was enraged that the Pastor said not to take communion if we didn't have Christ as our Lord. I never take communion, because it doesn't bring me closer to God. After he said that though, I thought I'd have to take it or everyone would think Christ wasn't my Lord. The Pastor said no one would judge anyone, but he's not everyone, and I know better than that. I didn't want to be judged, so I left. Of course, in leaving, I've probably defined myself as something I'm not, too.

Perhaps I was so mad on Sunday because unconsciously, it struck my sense of justice as completely injust. There is a Holy Communion, in which you reach into the Heart of God, and Commune with Him. But, the Pastor said "No, you cannot commune with God unless you are right with Him." How in the world do you worship or love a being you are not permitted to commune with? What a bunch of s**t. Love has been forsaken for something so not like love that anyone with compassion could see right through it. Who has the right to tell another that they cannot commune with Christ because Christ wouldn't be pleased if some outsider decided they wanted to be near Him? How unchrist-like. Man, I wanted to swear at that pastor, because he was so intolerant, so not in the mind of love. Love would have said "Come, all you who are weary, all who thirst and hunger-come ALL!" Not "Come you who thirst-but only you guys. Come you who hunger, sorry, I didn't mean you. Come you who are weary, wait, I won't take your burden."
How can Holy Communion even mean anything if it is not for everyone? Ah, is it only the holy who can commune with the Holy? Ptth! That's stupid. How is anyone holy? Through a life of communion with the Holy. How can one who is not Christ's ever become Christ's if they can't commune with Him? They won't. They will commune with Him elsewhere since you deny them bread and wine. You deny them they body and blood of Christ. Perhaps that is best, for they can find Him elsewhere and know that you do not have a monopoly on Holy Communion. It is about communing with the Divine, it has no standard. You cannot place a law upon communion. You cannot say, only you, and you may commune, the rest of you, sorry, you're just not loved, wanted, or correct. You must wait outside the gates of heaven. God doesn't want you, and neither do we. B****rds! And to think I thought I over-reacted! I didn't! It's total injustice, and God would be feeling a little like me, too! Not angry like me, but He would have a movement in His bowels-passion for the truth, which is not "I only want a few to come before me." Who's rules for Holy Communion are those rules that keep people out? Not God's!!!

No thanks, Mr. Judgment

2007-02-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

If I ever reach
a white throne of judgment
and am found in the book of life:
I will be amazed.

For there, before the throne,
I'll be pleading for the lost,
for those God forsooke,
and left to their doom.

I will suffer eternal torment,
if any are allowed to be thrown
into a lake of fiery fires,
with no Helper, no Friend.

I will stand and shout
"Who is this God of love
who sends people away from
His tender mercies?"

"Has He forgotten His own Son
who died to prevent
such a horrible, unneeded,
and dastardly event?

What is love that it refuses
to see beyond the flesh of a man,
into the severely wounded heart,
and offer healing?

What is love that it can't be:
questioned yet never lost,
unseen, but still present,
forgiving even unrepentedness?

I do not wish to receive life
if life is not for all.
I do not want to be loved,
if love is not Love.

Could I find that things
are not as they seem?
That God does Love all
and saves all?

Could I find not only my name,
but the name of every being,
no literal lake of fire,
but where all illusions are burnt away?

Could the veil be lifted?
Hearts unhardened?
Eyes unblinded?
Ears undeafened?

Could I see a True Love?
He who accepts all,
no matter if they accept Him?
He like Christ?

If I could not, then,
I forsake my name.
I give my name to the lost,
for their renewal and redemption.

I give up my adoption rights,
for I do not wish to be
a child of the Judger,
Doomer, Burner, Forsaker!

I give up!
If God is not God,
and Hope not Hope,
and love not Love!

Existence is futile.